Seven Weeks....

Today is one of those wonderful Sunday mornings in the Stout household after one of us has been out all night. Bailee is sick, and she is so extremely whiney. I feel so sorry for the poor child because she has exactly what I just got over, but she is throwing up with it too. It has been terrible. She got sick yesterday afternoon when we went to eat at Applebees. So embarrassing when you can hear the table next to you say, "Did that little girl get chocked or did she just throw up everywhere?" I wanted to be like, "Lady, please just mind your own business?"

On another note, we went to see Dr. McCauley, my OB, last Friday for my six week (actually more like seven week) check-up and he asked me what kind of contraceptive method Jeremy and I were wanting to take. I am pretty sure that I have (just trying to convince Jeremy that this is a good idea too) decided that I want another baby pretty soon. I have definitely put a lot of thought into it and I feel like it is what we need to do to keep our family thriving. I did not want a big gap between my children and "our plan" was two years. Quickly I have realized that it is not "our plan" at all, it is God's plan. He is ultimately the one totally in control and I respect that, but I would prefer not to have an even bigger gap, so therefore I want to start trying in July. McCauley suggested that I wait at least six months which would be September, but I want another April baby if possible and we all know how well I listen, so its looking like July. Like I said before, I realize now that I am not in control, so I will just put this whole baby thing in God's hands and hope and pray for the best. I realize that Brodee has only been gone seven weeks tomorrow, but I feel like two months, six months or even two years is not going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things because I will never be over the death of my child. It is something that I will carry around with me forever and ever and no amount of time will EVER heal my pain. I believe it is just something that I am going to have to learn to live with and time will hopefully teach me how to do that.

Empty...

As I sit here this evening, I just ponder on what my life would be like if my precious Brodee were in it. I realize that I will never know what it would be like, but does it hurt me to daydream? Somehow I believe that pondering is part of the process. You know, the grieving process everyone wants to tell you how to endure. I find comfort in sometimes acting like Brodee is asleep in his nursery and that when I go in there for something, as I often do, he will be there sleeping peacefully. Then somehow I always snap back into reality. Brodee is gone and though I want so bad to touch his face and kiss his lips, I can't. Nor will I ever be able to as long as I remain on this earth, but I know with all my heart I will hold him again. I, through my faith and love for Jesus Christ, will have him in my arms again someday and I may never let him go when I get my hands on that precious angel. He represents everything that Jeremy and I are, and to those of you who truly know us, we are love. This loss has brought us so much closer and for that I am so grateful. Perspective is a great word and I am thankful that something happened to me at such a young age to make me realize the true meaning of that word. Life is full of materialistic and non-materialistic things and since the loss of Brodee, this is what matters in my life at the end of the day. Well first and foremost, GOD. The only person who can for sure heal my broken heart and lead me to a place of reunion one day. And oh what a beautiful day that will be. Then there is my precious FAMILY... the people in my life at the end of the day who I know that I can always count on for anything. Then there are those FRIENDS who just automatically fall under the family category because even though they aren't, they should be. Then there are friends. As you can see, none of those things are materialistic, so maybe I just saved you from having to experience something so trajic before realizing what is ultimately right in front of all of our faces.